It’s remarkable how often my thoughts jump through hula hoops.
One day I’m reminiscing heavily, wondering what could’ve been –
the next day, you’re barely a thought.
I realized that I miss you,
but not as much as I thought I would.
It’s the familiarity of having you in my life that I mourn as opposed to your presence,
because you were often emotionally absent,
even if you were sitting right beside me.
It is weird yet relieving to know that this is the end.
It took years to arrive to the point where I feel comfortable not being able to text, call, or see you.
When something happens worth mentioning,
it stings knowing that I can’t share it,
but fortunately the feeling is fleeting.
I know in my heart that if you remained in my life, it would be because my love for you was tied to instant gratification,
not because you were supposed to be in my future.
When I said I believe that you loved and cared for me to the best of your ability,
I meant it.
Just because we emote in different ways, doesn’t mean your feelings are invalid.
A large part of loving unconditionally is being able to let go when you know it’s for the best,
so I want you to know that not only do I want what’s best for me, I will always wish the best for you.
The last time I wrote something along these lines I referred to myself as your “Babygirl” forever, but this go round my views have changed.
That’s not who I am anymore, and I couldn’t continue to be that even if I wanted to,
because one day another man is going to call me all of the things you called me and then some, and of them is “wife.”
Loving you while being hurt by you has verified that just because people are seasonal doesn’t mean that they can’t serve as your mirror.
I often harped on your flaws,
but dealing with them also allowed me to see more of mine.
So thank you, again:
For teaching me lessons through all that you did and all that you didn’t,
for giving me some pretty sweet memories,
and for being honest with me, no matter how much it hurt.
I hope you cherish our time together just as much as I do,
but more importantly,
I hope that down the line you choose the opposite of empty.