Like This.

You make it easy for me to feel like I’m not good enough,
even though I know that I am.
I have to remind myself that your ability to act like I never existed is a reflection of you, and not me.
I don’t regret anything, but I am in disbelief that I spent so much time trying to love you into becoming a better person.
I knew that wasn’t possible, but I still hoped for the best.
I said I wish I never met you,
but that isn’t true.
I’m glad that I met you,
but I wonder what my life would be like if I hadn’t let things get this far.
My disappointment supersedes my hurt,
because I’m not new to the pain you cause me.
I always knew we would end, I just didn’t want it to be like this.

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5/13/19

I always wonder how you can look yourself in the mirror or sleep at night knowing how you treat me. I always wonder how you can be satisfied with repeatedly hurting someone who did nothing but love you wholeheartedly. If I were to die today, would you be content with how everything transpired? Would you be okay knowing that your last words to me were “Sounds and feels like an ending,” instead of “I’m sorry it has to end this way,” or “I never meant to hurt you.” Would you be able to confidently say that you loved me with all that you had? Or would you feel overwhelmed with guilt because you didn’t, and now you’ll never have the chance to? 

Yesterday, I felt sorry for myself, because you showed that I held no worth in your eyes. But today, I feel sorry for you, because I have the ability to get hurt, heal, and move on with my life, while you suppress your emotions and call that happiness. 

I don’t want you to be empty, but that’s what you have chosen for yourself. One day you’re going to realize that in maintaining said happiness, all you did was create a void; a void that no amount of money, accolades, property, or vacations can fill. It is going to pain you to know how lonely and isolated you really are, all because you thought that not feeling anything equals a life worth living. I don’t know when that time will come, but when it does… maybe then you will regret how you treated me.

Please Leave.

Here you are again:
Reading my work when you could be apologizing
for the behavior that caused me to create it.
I don’t know why you bother visiting;
you are not welcome in this space.
So close out this tab and go on your merry way.
But when you leave, make sure you don’t forget,
that to take me for granted is to take time for granted.
I’ll always be much more than you deserve.

Tired.

I am tired now.
Probably more tired than I’ve ever been.
It doesn’t consume me,
but constantly reminds me that a woman
like me should never feel this way.

I’ve resigned from writing about you a million times over,
yet here I am again.
Instead of fighting the urge to spill the contents of my heart
onto pieces of paper,
I’ve decided to simply wish that my inclination to do so
fades away –
just like your love for me.

Second LA Update

It’s hard to believe that I’ve been in LA for under three months. I have experienced a roller-coaster of emotions since I landed, and I’ve found myself in several different mental spaces: some I had never been before, others I simply hadn’t visited in a while. I’ve been super psyched, I’ve been down, I’ve been confused, I’ve been hopeful, I’ve been negative, I’ve been my greatest ally but also my worst enemy.

I came to LA because it’s a better market for me as model with my height. My goal is to build a stellar portfolio and establish myself so that I can return to the east coast and thrive in the NY market, where I truly want to be. Even though I ultimately want to be booked bi-coastally and internationally, I want to live in NYC. I wanted to live there long before modeling was even a thought.

There is a certain electricity that can only be found in New York. There is a certain pace that the tri-state area maintains on a regular basis. We are time and business oriented, we are straight shooters, and we know the true definition of hustle. I miss that atmosphere; being among people that are just as hungry as you are. One thing that unites us is the grind. I can catch the 21 to Newark Penn or hop on the subway on my way to a casting and join the flock of people ready to get to the bag by any means necessary.

It is generally difficult to adjust to life out here as an east coast baby, but living in Hollywood specifically has made this transition harder. First and foremost, Los Angeles county (and California in general) is huge. There is so much I have yet to explore and I look forward to seeing all there is to offer, but 99% of my time is spent in Hollywood, West Hollywood, and occasionally DTLA. Because of this, I am constantly surrounded by people who live in vacation mode. Many lead a lavish lifestyle, while a strong percentage of people are simply infatuated with the idea of one. Here, you will witness the weakest work ethics and the biggest egos. LA is indeed the land of opportunity, but it seems as though everyone expects it to fall into their lap.

It’s hard to explain all that I feel at the moment, but basically what I’m saying is… I miss home. I miss the food, the authenticity, the culture. And I hate complaining about it (mainly because complaining in my position sounds very first-world problem-ish), so each day I remind myself of why I came here and make it a point to focus on that. Anyway I just wanted to give y’all that update. Knowing that I’m here indefinitely is both off-putting yet gratifying. I would be lying if I said this shit was all sunshine and smiles, but I know that my diligence and sacrifices will pay off, and that I am going to grow a whooole lot. So keep me in your thoughts and prayers and I will be over here working through growing pains and working to make some amazing art.

January 18, 2019: First LA Update

Many people have been checking up on me these past several days asking how I’m adjusting, asking how I’m feeling, and asking what my next move is. My answers are redundant. I feel fine. In fact, I feel great. I came here to make art and to make money, so my tunnel vision is on lock. And as for my next move, the answer is simple: to level up. Same as always.

I think that when artists uproot to NY or to LA for a better market like I did, they tend to carry their insecurities and doubt with them. As I evolve in life in general, but especially as an artist, each day I affirm more and more that worrying is for the birds.

I saved, I prayed, I prepared. I cut down my departure date by 7 months. Why? Well, why not? I am unmarried with no kids, my debt and bills would’ve been the same no matter where I live, and my rent would be expensive no matter where I live, because as a model/actress I need to be where the money’s at, and the money is either in NY, LA, Miami, or overseas depending on what market you cater to.

When you pursue something, you have to recognize that what you’re after is for YOU, that’s it. So if what you’re after is for you and you alone, there’s no need to compare your path to someone else’s. There’s no need to compare your looks to someone else’s. There’s no need to compare your skills to someone else’s. Set goals, strategize ways to achieve them, work tirelessly, and stay in your lane. There are always going to be people you feel are overrated or less talented than you, but guess what, those people aren’t thinking about you at all; they’re too busy collecting their checks.

My main focuses as of now are to find my groove, and to move out of my AirBnB into something permanent. Although I want to shoot and start showing my face, I’m in no rush. Modeling agencies aren’t going anywhere. Potential clients aren’t going anywhere. I’m staying the course and looking at the bigger picture. I’m in this game for longevity, not likes, and I know that my future is going to be far greater than anything I could ever imagine… People have been asking me if I’m ready for LA, but I’m starting to wonder if LA is ready for me.

January 6, 2019: From NJ to LA

38f160a9-1743-4b53-9e21-08d3a13b77a9Tomorrow I embark on the most significant chapter of my life thus far: relocating to LA after residing in NJ for the past 26 years. To many, the move would be too scary to partake in, but to me, it is an exciting and necessary opportunity to elevate as an artist and to come into my own.

These past two weeks have been emotional. I’ve had co-workers throw me goodbye gatherings, loved ones shower me with texts, phone calls, dinners, gifts, just to express how proud they are of me and to tell me how much they’ll miss me. I have been covered in countless prayers from my nuclear family and beyond. I am inexplicably thankful for the host of aunts, uncles, and cousins who have consecrated me and interceded on my behalf. And to my incredible pastor @iamdjyarborough, his amazing wife @ladyfreey, and my remarkable @HOWchurchnj family, I will miss y’all so much I can’t even begin to articulate it.

God has truly blessed me with some of thee DOPEST people. The belief that I could do anything I wanted to do and be anyone I wanted to be was instilled in me since my childhood. It was not only my faith in God and His love for me that fueled this mentality, but the love from my parents who poured into me daily. My circle has always stood by me and supported me and all of my endeavors: from writing poetry, to being a D1 recruit for soccer, to ending up a model and actress, my family and friends have always given me the space to simply be.

I also want to thank all of the amazing creatives I’ve worked with these past couple of years: the makeup artists, photographers, and stylists who not only encourage me, but inspire me, and bring substance to a superficial industry where authenticity is fleeting. I am grateful for every single one of you, as well as the art that we’ve made. I am claiming prosperity and abundance for our brands in 2019. And to the people who follow me who I do not know personally, I will ALWAYS appreciate your thoughtful DM’s, emails, and comments. Thank you a million times over. I love you all, and I will do everything in my power to continue to make you proud.